There’s no feeling more conflicting than wanting to live your life but a shadow of sickness telling you to do something else.
Lost one of my best friends a year ago today. Although I can’t hear his contagious laugh anymore or wild stories he created in his mind, I think about the sweetest words he always said to me when I was calling it quits.
I’m sorry, thank you, I miss you, I love you, Bradley.
“i know you wanted gold, all you got was black.”
I’m currently in the same city as “the one that got away.” Its been rough. I’ve been here since Friday and I get anxious thinking I’m going to see him every time we go outside. The fear of running into them and not knowing what to do. The fear of seeing them and getting all these feelings back.
I just want to show up to your doorstep and tell you how its been a year and yoi haven’t left my mind. In one short month, you managed to break every one of my rules and knock my guard down. You did the one thing I told you I didn’t want to deal with and the one thing you said you wouldn’t do: say good bye. In a way, you kept your word and stopped talking to me completely, no goodbye provided. We grew apart almost as quickly as our puppy love happened. I check up on you like a complete creep every now and then and I envy the girl who now has you in her life. I’m happy you found someone who could provide what you need and keep a smile on your face.
The conversations we shared in that very short time replay over and over in my head. I find things I should’ve not liked about you but the way you made me feel overpowers all of that. I fell hard and fast for you. I miss you.
Every now and then I get asked if I’m gay. I’m always surprised at this question. I’ve been told that I openly support the “gay community” way too much. First off, if you know me, you know I’m in love with white men. Secondly, its natural for me (and common sense) to accept people as they are and love them until given a reason not to.
I can’t make sense of people who are homophobic or don’t support equal rights. This goes back to women and minorities having to protest and stand up for their rights to do things such as vote. Humans have no control over what or how we’re born—black, gay, disabled, female/male etc. If you think gay is a choice, tell me when you chose to be straight. Tell me why someone would CHOOSE to be ridiculed and hated by a surprisingly large amount of people. Its like thinking one chose darker skin to be treated like a criminal. No sense.
Anyways, I’m not gay. I just REALLY believe in equal rights…for homosexuals, minorities, transgenders, females/males, whatever
Stop calling ISIS the Islamic State.
You guys will go upon lengths and jump hoops to deny that the KKK are a Christian influenced group but won’t blink to say Muslim and terrorist in the same sentence.
The language you use matters.
hey i’d like to daze away to a
place no one has known
in a state of mind i could call mine
that only i could own
where i could hum a tune anytime i choose
and then there is no such thing as time
where i can feel no pain just calm and sane
what a place for one to find
I gave my boyfriend a flower beard.
the smashing pumpkins // 1979
mellon collie and the infinite sadness
I don’t get on this anymore but I need somewhere to vent.
I’m okay with death most of the time. We are born, we live and we die. Life cycle. I’ve lost so many people, been to more funerals than birthday parties.
Its going to be a year next month since I lost one of my best friends. Although he didnt always have positive thoughts regarding his personal life, he filled everyone around him with laughter and the best vibes. He walked me through my anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts at three in the morning over the phone and wouldn’t hang up until I was okay. He would make up and sing parodies of hardcore songs until my stomach couldn’t take it anymore (from laughing so hard or the parody being so awful, haha). We spent time together in person only twice, while he was on tour but we talked all the time. He would go through phases and express his feelings towards me. Although I never felt the same towards him, I loved his honesty. That was one if his best traits. He gave zero fucks about what people’s responses would be, he would still speak his mind.
When I got off work that Monday night, I had a missed call from Jeff. “Hey Elena. What’s up. You been on Facebook? I have some bad news.” I calmly hung up, got in my car and that’s when the news actually hit me.
I’m really fucking sorry I said no to getting out of the bay and staying with me until you got your shit together. You asked for help and I turned you down. I’m really fucking sorry we had an argument a month prior to this and we didn’t talk. I’m fucking sorry I called you a few days before, didn’t get an answer and didn’t even think I’d never talk to you again. My questions have gone unanswered and I feel like a big chunk of me is missing. I wish you were here. I want to hear stupid fucking jokes again and that echoing laughter of yours. Tell me again about how much you love the little things, i want to know about more of your adventures and tell me some stupid shit about how we would become rich. I’m being selfish at this point, I’m fully aware. I don’t care. I’m just really fucking sorry. I didn’t want to see you in my dreams anymore but I need you back. I’m sorry I told you to quit bothering me in my sleep.
I love you, Brad. A fucking ton. And I miss you even more.